How to deal with the lack of an orgasm during sex?

Every so often some new research comes out in which we learn the positive impact the humble orgasm has on the health and welfare of women. The most obvious point here is that it makes you happy, and apart from that it also relieves pain, increases your immunity and makes you look younger. But actually having an orgasm is just not so easy for many of us, as shown by other studies on women’s difficulties reaching orgasm during sex-play. According to recent research in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, when in a relationship, women climax on average only 62.9% of the time (it’s 85.1% for men). And as stated by the American Sociological Review, during casual sex this figure drops to 40% (for men 80%).

If that’s your experience, now you can see that you are not alone and that there is nothing wrong with you or your body. And from this understanding, we’ll dive deeper into learning how you might help yourself to reach the climax more often.

1. Diversify your sex life

Try not to focus only on penetration. Take your sex life up a notch and add more entertainment to it. Use sex toys during the foreplay, include oral sex, manual stimulation, role play and anything else you would love to do.

2. Pay close attention to your clitoris.

When you masturbate alone at home, on which part of your body do you focus the most? Probably your clitoris, right? If yes, you are a part of the majority according to the 2013 study on the Experiences of Women during Masturbation. Most participants said they concentrate solely on the clitoris, but they believed that other women self-penetrated themselves while masturbating.

So stop thinking of yourself as somehow strange just because you do not focus on the stimulation of your vagina with a dildo or a vibrator – just do what you like.

In fact, the body of a woman is not built solely to achieve climax during penetration. Just think about it: apart from the cervical area, there are not many nerve endings inside the vagina. Your clitoris though is full of nerve endings – it has about 8000 of them! To help you understand its importance better I would like you to think about the most sensitive part of a man’s body – the head of his penis – it has “only” about 1000 nerve endings. This explains why the clitoris is so integral to most women achieving orgasm.

This is also one reason why orgasm during intercourse is more likely for women who have less space between their clitoris and the urethra (the tube that passes urine out of the body). That’s also why women with a smaller clitoris are usually those who struggle to achieve an orgasm.

4. Enjoy your own sexuality.

Way too often the problem lies in the fact that women feel too much shame and guilt about their own sexuality. It may result from their childhood experiences (perhaps victims of sexual abuse), or a strict culture they are living in, and it translates into many women not actually knowing their own bodies.

Why don’t you then, instead of ignoring your healthy sexual needs, spend some time playing with yourself. Some women reach climax through clitoral stimulation, others through the caresses of their labia or the entry to the vagina. Go on the hunt looking for your G-spot, play with your nipples, without shame, try everything that gives you pleasure.

4. Teach your partner.

Once you get to know yourself, share that knowledge with your partner. If you like your clitoris to be stimulated ask him to play with it during intercourse. It is possible for him to caress your clitoris in various positions. He can do this by hand or with a vibrator. I personally prefer the latter because it gives me stronger stimulation. This method is useful in teaching your body to have an orgasm while youpartner is inside you.

A different technique involves concentrating just on your clitoris. You or your partner can masturbate it and when you’re really close to orgasm, ask him to slide his penis inside you (use a dildo or a vibrator if you’re alone). A little movement should not only help you reach your climax, but also make it much stronger.

5. Relax

Remember that being completely relaxed with your partner is vital, as way too often your head may be in the way of your climax. So a lot of fondling, kissing and hugging is required. Also high-quality communication, trust, good connection and openness is important as you want someone with whom you can share all your fantasies and to talk about what excites you.

 6. Work on your muscles

Weak pelvic floor muscles might also be a problem that can luckily be resolved by a bit of strengthening with Kegel exercises. Finding your pelvic floor muscles is simple – just stop urinating midstream. Later on, find a comfortable position and squeeze the same muscles, clench them for a few seconds and then release and repeat.

Nowadays you can buy sex toys like Ben Wa Balls or Chinese Balls that will also help you exercise your pelvic floor muscles.

 

7. Fantasize

Try fantasizing during intercourse about something that really excites you, like imagining having sex with your partner in plain view of others or being his sex slave, the possibilities are endless…  Let your inhibitions go and run your fantasy wild!

8. Set the “stage”.

Next thing on the list is the full acceptance of your body and taking care of it. Loads of work and stress during our day to day lives can sometimes leave us feeling a little unattractive. So dedicate a few moments to your body before lovemaking that will make you feel sexy and desirable.

If you have kids, in the evening ask your partner to put them to sleep, while you use that time to get ready. Treat yourself to a glass of wine and pamper your body (a bath, mask, moisturize etc.). This will allow you to feel like the goddess of sex again.

 9. Don’t overdrink.

Now do not overdo it with that wine as too much alcohol will act as an anesthetic. It will calm your mind sure, but unfortunately, it will also make the sympathetic nervous system operate at a reduced speed. That won’t do you any good if you already have problems with achieving an orgasm during sex.

10. Medications

Pay attention to the medicines that you are taking. Antidepressants, as well as some other prescription pills, can strongly affect your sexual life. The way they influence your body can prevent you from achieving orgasm. If you think that might be the case, have a word to your GP or OB/Gyn to see if your prescribed medicines might be substituted for something else that has less effect on your sexual life.

11. Health problems.

From another angle, sometimes difficulty in achieving orgasms can be a hint that you might have larger health problems. For example, insufficient moisture is one of the symptoms of diabetes or may be evidence of impaired blood flow. The best thing you can do here is to check with your doctor.

12. Mental health issues

Mental health problems like sex phobias (i.e. phobia of fluids secreted during sex), low self-esteem, overly-critical thinking about yourself, fear of losing control or fear of sexually transmitted diseases – can all have a negative impact your sex life. If you don’t have a BFF you can bounce these things off, perhaps give some thought to psychotherapy which could be of great help in dealing with such issues.     

14. Infections

Different infections of the vagina can cause extreme discomfort during the sex act and that may be effectively preventing you from climaxing. Only a healthy vagina will allow you to fully enjoy your sexuality. So if you notice any symptoms like thick, white discharge, itching, or redness of your genitals pay your gynecologist a visit pronto.

 14. Obesity

Furthermore, if you suffer from obesity, you should know that it can lead to the formation of blockages in blood vessels around the clitoris. Blood flow in that part of the body is then lower and the clit then becomes less sensitive to stimuli.

The obvious thing here is to try to change your diet to less caloric foods by adding lots of veggies and fruits. Start also moving more: get a bicycle or begin to walk more, or jog. If you are not into sports, my advice is to try yoga – it will help you to lose some weight and what’s more, it will make you much more flexible. You will be able to try some of those advanced sex positions you’ve always wanted to…

Plus, any kind of movement will increase the blood flow in the muscles of the thighs, buttocks, and pelvis, which translates to your genitals being better prepared for intercourse.

15. Don’t relax completely.

Many women learn to experience orgasms by tensing the muscles of their buttocks, abdomen, and legs. Their circulation is then stimulated and the blood flows faster to genitals. That creates excitement and from here the road to climax becomes shorter. So instead of relaxing the body during sex, relax just your mind.

16. Forget there is a purpose in sex.

Stop paying attention to orgasm during sex as this definitely, won’t help you to get there at all and may just leave you frustrated. What to do then? Best forget that there is any end goal during sex, and instead just enjoy your and your partner’s excitement, and try to prolong it as long as possible.

Achieving an orgasm is a fantastic feeling that everybody deserves. But while erotica and porn create the false notion that this is very easy, in real life it might need some work and practice – and that’s normal. It is a little bit like riding a bike – once you learned it, your body will be able to repeat it time after time. Good luck!