Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Butt Sex But Were Scared to Ask

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You know you’re curious.

For many women and couples, anal sex is the final frontier: a place that piques their curiosity but continues to perplex them and even make them apprehensive. Will anal sex hurt? Can I orgasm from it? Is it messy? Which positions work best? And, most importantly, how can I guarantee I won’t accidentally poop on his penis? All of those are valid questions! Here’s what you need to know before you start taking it in the butt.

Read also: The Consequences of Heterosexual Anal Sex for Women

How Can You Make Anal Sex More Comfortable?

One of the major reasons women fear anal sex is because many assume it is going to be a royal pain in the…well, ass, literally. The number one thing to keep in mind is that anal can be painful if you aren’t relaxed, says Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist and co-star on Sex Box on WEtv. So…relax!

“Lots of deep breathing and letting go of everything helps,” she says. “It can become more painful when you man thrusts in and out, especially if he is well endowed, remember to keep breathing.”

Obviously, going straight into penis-in-butt anal might hurt a little. Steve McGough, an associate professor of clinical sexology at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality suggests working your way up to traditional penetration by using a very small vibrator, butt plug, or your partner’s finger (ask him to wear a rubber glove to be safe) to try out a few techniques.

Read also: Butt-Centric Sex Positions For Women Who Love Doggy-Style

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With a (gloved) finger, have your partner make stroking motions to gently cause goosebumps on your thighs and butt, then do similar, almost tickling motions stroking the anus, McGough says. Have them slowly circle the anus with the finger, then apply lube to the finger and circle more, gradually working towards the center of the anus and gently pushing in.

Read also: 8 New Ways to Touch Your Guy During Sex

“Always let your partner know if anything hurts, and if it does – stop,” McGough says. “Assuming it feels good, have him continue gently pushing in until his finger is in the anus. Then experiment with gently and slowly pushing it in farther and pulling it almost out. While your partner’s finger is inside, try pushing out like you are going to have a bowel movement. This actually relaxes the anal sphincter muscles. While you are pushing out, have them move their finger in and out more (gently). Notice how this will (should likely) feel like your anus is more relaxed and open.”

Finally, McGough says, tighten your sphincter around your partner’s finger and notice how much more tight it is. Repeat this several times, especially if it feels good. You can now feel free to experiment with a larger finger, vibrator, or butt plug. And if you really want to relax your anus, stimulate your clitoris to orgasm while your partner gently moves the plug or vibrator in and out of your anus. Surprise — your orgasm might even be more intense than usual because of the extra rear action, McGough says.

Read also: Women Reveal Their Most Awkward Anal Sex Stories Ever

Before you try anything, make sure you have lube and a condom on hand. “I’ve heard women sometimes talk about how they decided to try it on the spur of the moment, but they didn’t have lubrication, a condom, or a partner who knew what they were doing — and they had a bad experience,” McGough says. Lube, in this situation, will be your best friend. (Make sure it’s water-based — an oil-based lube can make the condom break.)

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