Why I left the BDSM community

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BY AYAKO BLACK,

The year I discovered kink, shortly after my 18th birthday, I met a Dom who I desperately wanted to impress, who we’ll call P. P. was more than twenty years older than me. We’d fooled around once at a club and we had a good time, so I wanted more. This was long before the Internet was a reliable source for information about kink safety, and I was dumb, horny, and inexperienced. I was also insecure, and I wanted to be a good submissive for him, whatever that meant.

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P. asked what I wanted. I said I wanted to be spanked. Somehow, the negotiated spanking evolved into him “play-raping” me, followed by anal penetration. Afterward, I was bleeding. I still have scar tissue from the encounter.

The encounter with P. made me profoundly uncomfortable, but I refused to admit to myself that anything inappropriate had happened. “I didn’t say no,” I rationalized, “so it was consensual. Hadn’t I fantasized about submitting in that way?”

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I called my cool, older friend, who was also a member of the kink scene and described the experience to her. “It was so hot,” I told her.

“Are you sure?” she asked. “You don’t sound OK.”

“No, it was great, he was so dominant. It was like my fantasies,” I told her in a voice that belied my anxieties, wanting to sound brave and adventurous. I didn’t want to admit that maybe I hadn’t been on board for everything. I was smarter than that, wasn’t I? I must have wanted it.

I fell into a crippling depression for a week after this incident. It took me fifteen years to realize that when P. suggested “play rape” in the middle of the scene, he was actually using kink to justify actually raping me.

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I was reminded of this incident recently when I attended an event hosted by some friends from the kink scene. At one point in the evening, a male attendee cornered me, grabbed my breasts, rubbed his penis on me, and verbally harassed me.

After I told the hosts about this guy’s behavior, I was horrified when they invited him to another event I was attending. When this man showed up, I was informed by the host that he had claimed that he did not know me, the assault had never happened, and that it was a “misunderstanding.” I learned after the fact that this individual has crossed the line with other women as well, and yet he is still invited to events. Incidents like this one are precisely why I no longer interact with the BDSM community in my city.

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Though I spent the better part of my adult life-shaping my social life around my kinky desires, spending my nights and weekends at kink parties, clubs, and social events, I recently decided to leave the BDSM community, in part because I had witnessed so many consent violations like the one that occurred at my friends’ party.

Read the full article on The Daily Dot