You’re having less sex. Is it over?



“You can’t force sexual chemistry to exist where it doesn’t in the same way you can’t deny it when it does.”

If someone asked you if less sex meant less spark, and you thought, “Less sex? What on earth are you talking about?” then you’re probably one of two people. You’re either a) a lucky bastard in a brand spanking new, shiny relationship, or b) a sex robot sent from the future to woo mankind with your mechanical wiles. If you’re person A, then read this anyway – because it will happen eventually. And if you are person B, welcome! You probably don’t even need to read this, as you’re no doubt programmed for constant sexy times. But everyone else… read on. You might just learn a little something.

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How often is often enough?

How many hairs are on Beyonce’s head? How many times has Charlie Sheen been unfaithful? How does Pharrell manage to stay forever young? This is one of those knots that’s not easy to untie. So let’s see how normal people get it done. Cate, 29, and Sean, 30, have been together for four years and they have sex… drum roll, please… twice a week. Then there’s Rachel, 39, and Ben, 42, who’ve also been together for four years and enter the mattress Olympics an average of twice a month. And behind door number three we have Emily, 36, and Joel, 38, also four years in and currently having sex an average of once a month.

So what’s the deal? Who’s normal and who’s not? Actually, how often a couple has sex can depend on a range of things, like age, gender, libido, life-stressors and more. Everyone’s different. But if you really want it in black and white, one of the best sources of info I have says that on average, 30 to 49-year-olds have sex 86 times a year.


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Why the nooky’s gone MIA

So if you’re not bumping nasties at least once or twice a week, should you be worried? There are so many reasons a couple’s sex life has diminished, and many of them are as simple as someone being tired or feeling stressed and worn out after an exhausting day in the office. If a couple if going through a transitional stage in their life that impacts on both their emotional and physical welfare, such as a career change, illness or grieving a loss, then it’s actually pretty normal for that couple not to have a rockin’ sexual appetite.

But what if it’s none of the above? What if you’ve gone from doing it eight times a weekend to just eight times a year, without even really noticing? “We stopped having sex every other night when we moved in together. We went from seeing each other three or four times a week to every single night. So I guess it just didn’t seem as urgent anymore”, says Ben.

Sound familiar? It should. Anyone who has been in a relationship before might be familiar with the sexual honeymoon phase and how, after time, it can become much less frequent. This is actually quite common in couples and tends to happen over time.

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Happy is as happy does

But what if, like Emily and Joel, you’re both perfectly happy having sex every couple of weeks? Luckily, a lack of sexy sessions doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship, just as long as you’re both satisfied with the frequency. “I would probably never tell any of my mates this, but I don’t have a super high sex drive. I feel like maybe we should be having sex more, but at the moment we’re in a routine neither of us really seem to mind”, says Joel. Just make sure you’re not convincing yourself otherwise because you don’t want to face bigger problems in the relationship.

Our libidos can come and go, and some of us just go through a bit of a lull. It becomes a bad sign, though, if you find your disinterest in having sex with your partner sticks around. If your sex life is low because feelings about your relationship have changed, that’s a cause for concern.

So how do you know which it is? A good way of nutting this out is to gauge your libido with masturbation. Basically, if you can turn yourself on when she can’t, you might have a slight problem. But fear not, this article’s not over!

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I’m bringing sexy back

Here’s my sage advice: think of it like going to the movies. When was the last time you turned around and realized, “Oh, I’m in a cinema! Since I’m here, I might as well check out a movie.” In a similar vein, sex ain’t just gonna happen, so make sure you’re buying tickets to your own show. Here are three juicy tips to make sure you do just that…

  1.  Dreamt of having sex in nothing but a tie? Do it: create a sex bucket list together and make room for experimentation.
  2. Lock lips like you’re 14-year-olds behind the bike racks. If you’ve stopped kissing each other like you did when you first met, start doing it again. It’s amazing what a classic smooch can do.
  3. Grab her ass at the shops: take on a more “spur of the moment” attitude – don’t schedule sex in!

Put some elbow in it

More from Gabrielle Moore:

8 Fun Sex Games to Reignite the Passion

5 Sex Secrets from Sexually Satisfied Couples

She Won’t be Able to Get You Off Her Mind!